Journal Entry 13

Chapters

Is Gossiping Inherently Bad?

After the events that unfolded last week, my resentment bar for everyone has gradually been going down. When I first started this blog, I believed that I had a change of heart. Can I really say that still? Screaming at people and cursing them out?

The root cause of the explosion was ultimately the buildup of a lot of resentment. My relatives were gossiping with my mom over the phone on speaker. Now that I was given the space and time alone to reflect on what actually happened, I can say that that was not ordinary “gossip”. If I had to put it in words, it was essentially listening to your friend gossip about you with another person right in front of you. You can’t exactly stop them because it would be awkward to. But then you’re also the subject of the conversation.

Gossip avoids the awkwardness of direct confrontation, which is probably why it happens so often. I confronted my mom about how I wasn’t very fond of the gossip whatsoever because who wants to sit there listening to a nonstop stream of things that directly attack their identity? I’m not the biggest fan of gossip because its destruction potential is extremely high. But my mom said that they all wish the best for me, which at first sounds really off. Why would anyone speak negatively about someone if they truly did care about them? It sounds extremely counterintuitive.

It took some time to get a half-baked answer, but an answer is still an answer. Maybe they believe that in sharing information, they can collectively work on helping me. Throughout the past week, I’ve gotten probably five of the exact word-for-word lectures from my relatives about my behavior and whatnot. It made me extremely pissed because they wouldn’t leave me alone. I personally believe that, with enough time, I will learn from my mistakes on my own. So being chased down to hear the same lecture multiple times will only build resentment. What “help” might seem to one person might not actually help at all. Gossip might only help a specific group of people, and it seems that I am not within that group of people.

I did eventually realize that my cousin’s family all have good intentions, but sometimes their execution isn’t very healthy. But that was only after my resentment dropped with a lot of distance from them and time to myself. It was kind of sweet once I was able to finally internalize it, but it did take a lot to eventually get there.

Even with that answer, I can’t fully buy into the “gossip is good for society” propaganda. I wouldn’t say that gossip is inherently bad or evil. It’s a tool that people use to spread “important” information, clear their minds, or give context to situations. If you look at it that way, then gossip doesn’t seem all that bad. Unfortunately, there’s a much smaller scale to look at when it comes to gossip. From my experience, knowing in the abstract that people might gossip about me is much easier than hearing the exact criticisms myself. It won’t bother me much if I don’t know the exact details, but hearing those details directly can hurt a lot more. There’s definitely psychological reasoning behind it but I don’t really want to dive into it because I’m tired.

Anyways, people can change. I find myself falling into a self-identity trap where if I state something on this blog, then I have to adhere to that label or else I would be unfaithful to who I really am. Something like saying I’ve completely had a change of heart is definitely not true. I still have so much I can work on in terms of handling situations maturely. Hopefully I can escape this trap one day, and hopefully you readers don’t hold me too accountable for everything I say on this platform word-for-word.

Love u all ❤

Braces-Free

The day has FINALLY come.

My braces came off yesterday as of writing this (Saturday). It’s a miracle that, after my orthodontists repeatedly broke all the trust I had in them, they finally didn’t lie for once.

They yanked all my brackets off and it kind of hurt to be honest. The best way I can describe the pain is like having a loose baby tooth pulled out by a string. After taking off all my brackets, they polished my teeth and got rid of all the adhesive sitting on my teeth where there used to be brackets. It’s not the same as teeth whitening but it does make it slightly cleaner. After it was all gone, there was a slimy feeling in my mouth. I’m assuming the reason for that is that the top lip finally has full contact with the gum and teeth, which was previously blocked by the metal brackets. Other than that, I don’t fully understand the feeling people talk about when they say there’s so much extra room in their mouth. It still kind of feels the same. As for my smile, I can’t really say it got much better? I’m definitely overanalyzing my smile though. I don’t really know how to “smile” with my braces off. Maybe that’s what people mean when they say there’s so much extra room in their mouth. It feels kind of awkward to smile. Hopefully I’ll be able to learn with enough time.

They did a few scans of my teeth, a few mugshots of me from several angles, and then helped me fit my retainers on. The retainers are whatever. Not much to talk about besides the fact that they’re kind of hard to take off and hurt my fingernails a lot. Though, the case they gave me was kind of sick. It has a built-in mirror like those pocket mirrors that some girls carry around with them.

Oh yeah, I can finally chew gum again. I was chewing gum earlier this year, but since I wanted to get my braces off ASAP, I locked in on my rubber band game since it really helps move the teeth faster. You can’t exactly chew gum with rubber bands on. Plus, there’s always a chance that a bracket falls off when it comes to chewing gum, which is EXTREMELY tragic, because just one bracket falling off could set you back a few months. Chewing gum is a fucking lifesaver. It keeps me awake in almost every scenario imaginable and it makes me feel hella tuff (whatever narcissism this is). For example, if I’m feeling really tired, I can just pop another piece of gum and it’ll keep me awake for another 20 minutes. This is basically my alternative to drinking multiple energy drinks in a single day, so you can see how important this is to me.

It’s sort of bittersweet to know that I won’t have braces ever again. It’s been a part of me for almost a third of my life so it’s weird saying goodbye to something I’ve been so used to. Too bad I didn’t get to enjoy my new smile because of how bad my barber did me dirty.

slime out every barber in Flushing dawg

[Insert buzz cut flashbacks]

There’s a REASON WHY haircuts are so cheap in Flushing.

I’ve never really been happy with my haircuts coming straight out of the barber. They always cut something too short that I can never identify which makes me look like a bum. So I decided to try out another barber and see how it would go (hint: it did NOT go well).

First of all, this barber did not seem enthusiastic whatsoever to cut my hair. Obviously, I’m not expecting him to be extremely excited to see me. When I sat down in the chair, the first thing he asked me was if I wanted to curl my hair and I got somewhat offended. His behavior seemed a little sales-y, like he was trying to milk me for more money, so I was already skeptical. Then came the little consulting bit that the barbers always do so they understand the vision with the haircut. I loved my old hair, but my relatives kept saying that my hair was too thick so I folded. All I said was that I wanted to fix my current hair and only trim the bulky part on the side of my head.

holy shit bro. He buzzed everything on the side, and then started touching the back when I never mentioned anything about the back. The most important thing I wanted to preserve was the sideburns because they’re really important for my face shape and he BUZZED THEM. Not only that, but there’s basically a bald spot on the back of my head. Don’t ask about how much tip I gave him because it was somewhat deserved (it wasn’t on purpose, I promise).

When I got back at night, my aunt pointed out that the back of my head was a little off which made me insecure about it. She offered to try to fix it for me today and let’s just say that did not go too well.

I think I learned my lesson this time. If I do get a haircut in Flushing next time, it’ll be at my old barber because he doesn’t fuck up my hair completely. Otherwise, I’m outta Flushing. This shit not the method (for me at least).

Photo(s) Of The Week

Braces-free smile

Actually slime out my barber 💔

Fit check for braces removal (prior to the hair cut disaster)