I’ve averaged at least one crush per year since 6th grade.
Let’s talk about them and what I’ve learned from each one. No names will be dropped but a few references will be mentioned out of respect for privacy.
If you’ve talked to me before, you would know that I reflect on my past “crushing” experiences quite often. They teach me a lot of things and I carry those lessons everywhere I go.
6th Grade. I had a crush on this girl because I thought she was pretty and that’s it I think. Middle schoolers don’t tend to have a lot of reasons to like someone besides looks at this age. I remember telling her friends I had a crush on someone and they wanted to know who it was and I was hesitant at first because it was one of their friends. But then I folded and ended up telling them anyway. They promised they wouldn’t tell her but on the SAME day, she found out. This is the start of my trust issues with girls.
7th Grade. No crush because of COVID.
8th Grade. This crush lasted a bit longer throughout the year but she was smart and supposedly “pretty”. This was like the mask era after COVID so a lot of people wore masks to school. Throughout this school year, I would repeatedly donate snacks in the mindset that I could increase her fondness of me. I held it mostly to myself this time because of what went down back in sixth grade. But I couldn’t keep it in. I just HAD to tell people because of this urge inside me that wanted other people to know. I think it was this insecurity that wanted a sense of approval of whether or not people would think if we would be a good fit together. You’ll see this happen more often from now on. I told a few of my close friends who didn’t really care about this stuff at that time then got to my friend who was a pathological liar or something. He was tight with the girlies and my crush. I admitted I liked someone in our class and so he kept pressing me about it and eventually I gave in and he promised not to tell her. Yeah, I think we know how this shit goes down. I was told that people thought I was crying when I heard that she found out in the auditorium or something and then she felt bad or something? Not 100% sure on that one but at the end of the year when we got our yearbooks, the mask was removed and let’s just say I’ve learned my lesson since then (or maybe I haven’t).
9th Grade. I had a weak crush on this girl in my English class who also had a mask. I’m not 100% sure what dictates who I have a crush on but I think it’s still the age where looks are the main priority. A common trend I find amongst crushes is that they all have glasses so take that with a grain of salt. Anyways, nothing really happened with this one since I didn’t care enough about this crush. I find out later that the mask thing really gets to me.
10th Grade. This one was during the summer but the gist of it was me really wanting a relationship with someone. I started watching a lot of anime romcoms during this time so that’s probably why the idea was in my head. It mostly only started because my brother was pushing me to look for someone too at summer camp because there was a decent amount of people who started dating each other over the summer because of camp. This experience was mostly a humiliation ritual for me as I just wanted to spend as much time with this person as possible and did a lot of things for her. I think it was pretty obvious by the time camp ended and almost everyone knew. I also found out that my brother can’t keep his mouth shut.
11th Grade. Weak crush again; I think it’s just the idea of spending time with girls sometimes leads to the hypothetical thought but it was nothing crazy. Faded pretty quickly.
12th Grade. Another weak crush again but I think it was at this point that I realized that I needed to stop crushing and instead start working on myself. As mentioned in a previous reflection, I started going to the gym to work on myself to try to “impress” her.
That’s basically most of everything about my crushes throughout the rest of my life. I’ve never confessed ever in my life but some of them have gotten out through other people’s mouths. What have I personally learned about myself from this? Well, I don’t think I was ever attached to a person for that long. I seemed to always idealize the idea of being in a relationship rather than the person. If I had some thoughts about my crushes, it would always seem so abstract in the sense that I just wanted a form of companionship and I wouldn’t really think about the person themself. Things like holding hands or traveling to countries with some other person.
I’ve also recently realized for myself that there isn’t necessarily a need to rush for a relationship. I’ve learned so many things through having crushes themselves rather than being in a relationship. If you are reflective enough, you can definitely learn a lot about yourself and what you appreciate in a partner. That’s probably the biggest takeaway. I’ve also worked on myself a lot this year and I guess I’m still in that stage where my confidence hasn’t caught up. So until it does, I don’t necessarily think I’m “ready” for a relationship but I can’t quite define what ready is. I’m not actively looking for a relationship, but if the opportunity comes up, I’ll definitely be open to it. I really enjoy listening to older people and relatives talk about their relationship because it allows me to understand how a relationship works in the minor scheme of things that aren’t quite obvious. Things like emotional intelligence and awareness, chores, and communication are always insightful for me and I try to see where I fit in along the different requirements for a relationship to see if I’m ready.
I’ve definitely met better friends who don’t have as big of a mouth as the ones in middle school and I’m quite thankful for that. But I don’t think I’ll ever shut up about my crushes because they teach me a lot by embarrassing myself repeatedly.
Next Post: A Sentimental Yearbook (6/23/26)
Photo of The Day:
I went to school today to pick up my graduation cap and gown and then they had a senior barbecue but it was basically “school lunch plus”. Then I went out with friends to bowling. We were supposed to go karaoke for my first time but unfortunately karaoke is never making it out of the group chat. Here’s a photo of us playing ping pong in my basement with my little brother.
Performative Frank 
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