Performative Frank

Where are you going for college?

That’s the question that’s been starting to bother me recently. Socially, it makes sense that people want to know and that’s perfectly fine. But for me, it’s something that I’ve struggled to grasp the idea of since college decisions. I spent a long time sitting with myself in bed trying to convince myself that everything was going to be perfectly fine. And you know, I did kind of get to that point where I believed that I was going to be happy and fine. I guess you could call it the art of self-delusion. I came to terms with myself and I didn’t really worry much about college after the initial month. It felt kind of relieving in a way. I concluded that I was fine and was going to be happy from now on about where I was going. But when the “where are you going for college” questions started coming in, I definitely wasn’t fine. I would always hesitate when I answered.

Now what does this say about me? I guess it clearly shows how much I hated SBU, or rather what it represented to me. I had multiple of my friends who went to Stony trash talk about it and I would always hear stories about how bad their experience was. It was definitely an ego issue too because my older brother attended SBU and would always make fun of me for being stupid and so I wanted to prove that I was better than him most likely as a coping/defensive mechanism.

There’s not really much wrong with SBU but these things definitely live rent-free in my head. I save myself a lot of money and avoid putting a massive financial burden on my family. And in that sense, it is kind of relieving to not have all the marbles on me.

Then came the “Congratulations!” that would mess with me. Sometimes, I would be sad for a bit afterwards. People were congratulating me for something I wasn’t necessarily satisfied with. Every time I heard this question and the congratulations that came afterward, it reopened the same wound: my bruised ego. At one point, I consciously asked myself, “Why are these people congratulating me? I’m not very happy about it.” These people were showing kind gestures yet I developed a sort of hatred for it. I felt kind of ashamed of myself for not being grateful for the gestures while also being sad. So every time college was brought up, I would be hit with a wave of different emotions that didn’t necessarily feel good. 

In a way, it was kind of a breakup in the sense that my idealized future didn’t quite match up with what my reality had in store for me. When I told myself that I was at peace with myself, I wasn’t really. And I paid for that with a sting every time the topic of college came up. Sometimes the kindest of acts can hurt if you aren’t truly with yourself. That’s one of the ways contempt can build up within people and was a recurrent example through the resentful arc that I mentioned in the last post.

The wound was never about Stony Brook, but rather it was about my ego. Every single congratulations reminded me of that. Sometimes you have to let go of your ego and pride to heal and that’s alright. Life humbles you with a sacrifice to prepare you for the future.

Next Post: The 5 Love Languages (6/18/26)

Photo of the Day: A photo with a great angle of me playing pool for the first time with Leo instructing me (I missed that shot btw).